Lately, I have been carrying so much love with me in the core of my belly, I imagine it a fluorescent fuchsia globe-like essence seeping through the membranes of my organs, radiating heat in a glowing force field around my body. It soothes the creeping, boiling anxiety that threatens to corrode my insides every time I wake.
It amazes me that I don't burst like stretched rubber filled with acid every now and then.
Faith does - and will always - overcome fear.
This love will continue to expand and contract, become evermore elastic, forge towards some shape that is my destiny. If I believe it so. Oh, the strength it takes to try and (desperately) stay open, to trust that this will take place for some greater good unknown to me, to feel raw and vulnerable as I walk upon this earth, real and present, knowing littler and littler amounts of anything as I move forward.
This is the experience of experiencing life; alone yet never alone.
What beauty! to discover love in all the dusty corners of my torn heart without the fear of it tensing up then shattering all over cold floors again and again, as it has so many times before.
And it's not just old lovers I feel warmth for - the ones who left or were left - or friends forgotten and lost touch with. It has spread to those I never knew I would remember, could care for, dared dream of. It has become a pulsating yearning to know each person in the universe - a drive that both isolates and submerges me into a feeling I can only describe as this: it is as if I have known and individually loved each cell of all of you. It is beyond my capacity for understanding how that could ever happen, but I know it to be true.
I have never met you and I love you.
It is the awareness of a shared experience, the knowledge of how much we all want to both curl up into a little ball and be held against the breast of a loved one, yet also run wildly and free, scream out into the wilderness until our bodies collapse, our voices shaken. The undeniable fact that beneath the veils of convoluted fear and shame we have something to learn from everyone we have ever locked eyes with or avoided, there is a cemented bond that connects us to everyone and everything.
At my best, I am imperfect, discombobulated and unreliable, but always trying in each moment to be conscious, to be honest. When looked upon this way, I am as beautiful - and lovable - as I have ever been. We all are. And now I see, with a clarity unknown to me before, that we are all exactly as we should be, destined to shoot jaggedly and magnificently across one another's wavering path in this beautiful, glorious shard of life.